A few weeks ago, I found myself in a unique situation. I had been invited to be a guest speaker to a group. To say I was nervous was an understatement. Allow me to clarify, I have been working for years on my writing career. My goal is to make my living through my writing and to be a keynote speaker. I am making progress and have a plan, but I honestly thought I was still at least five years out from this dream. Receiving this invitation was a dream come true.
Knowing how nervous I was, my daughter helped me pick an outfit and organize my notes. She sent me several encouraging texts prior to the event. I was energized, prepped, and ready to impart my knowledge. I carefully organized my thoughts and began my talk. I shared the lessons I had learned over the pandemic, the lessons of now feeling guilty for practicing self-care. My thoughts are, In order to invest in others, we have to have a full cup. And in order to have a full cup, we must escape life and the demands of our family and community, taking time for ourselves.
I received many nods, smiles, and even words of agreements from my audience. That is from everyone but one woman. At the end of my presentation, she took over. She proceeded to tell me how self-centered and cold I was for choosing to remove myself from society and family. Looking at her, I chose to think the best, and decided she had not understood what I meant. And so I clarified what I had meant. This only made things worse. As I stood there, I was shocked at the anger and hurt that was being hurled at me. I decided not to react.
I listened to what she said and looked for hidden meanings or unknown pain because I desperately tried to understand what she was saying. Yet no matter how I tried to listen, the only answer I could come up with was that if her children did something she did not agree with, if they made a life decision different from her own, she was unable to be happy for them.
The encounter made me think about my life and the changes I have recently endured. I come from a close family and love that closeness, but cannot live with the lack of healthy boundaries it brought. As I have worked to heal, grow, and rebuild my life, I have slowly started to place healthy boundaries in each of my relationships. Many of these boundaries have led to painful conversations, changes in relationships, and even the end of a relationship. I have felt the pain, cried, and even contemplated returning to how things were just to stop the pain.
Yet, after a few days, I could clearly reflect on the encounter. I realized the issue was not mine to correct. Embarking on a journey to build a life I love, to heal from past trauma, to simplify every aspect of my life are all healthy decisions. I owe no explanation to anyone. Wanting to take breaks where I focus on building my internal peace, and spending evenings with my dogs versus going out, are all healthy decisions for me. And I deserve a healthy, happy life. When someone close to me says, “well as long as you are happy,” or “I guess it’s a good thing that you are happy,” but they refuse to allow me the space to heal, it is their pain speaking.
The hardest lesson to learn is not that I am the only person who can make myself happy, but that I cannot make anyone else happy, nor can I be responsible for the feelings and health of another person. Each of us are responsible for no more than our happiness and health. We cannot make our children happy, nor should that be our goal. We should strive to teach our children how to be happy, how to understand what they need and how to acquire those needs.
The past few days have been a challenge riddled with guilt. It took quite some time, distance, rest and reflection to realize I am on the right path. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I just need to be more steadfast in my decisions so that I can withstand these attacks with less emotion.
Sara Orellana is a community volunteer, entrepreneur, author, amateur chef, and advocate for rescued animals. She may be reached by email at believestrengthpassion@gmail.com.